It has been a little while since I have posted anything here on the blog because, I am finding purpose as a full time stay at home mom. To be honest I haven’t really had much confidence about blogging. I find myself posting on social media less and less as well. I think I am just struggling with feeling like I have anything to offer that isn’t already being written by bloggers who are way more talented than me.
I have always used writing as a creative outlet to express myself, but I have never really had much direction or focus. I have always simply felt something on my heart that ended up being written. Here lately I just haven’t had much laying on my heart to share. That isn’t because there is nothing to share, but rather because I am no expert about anything.
Bloggers are supposed to have something to offer their audience. They are supposed to be someone who people want to look up to, and can resonate with in terms of a problem that they need solved. But that is not where I am as a blogger in this season. I do not feel like I am qualified enough to help anyone solve any problem they may be facing. I have nothing to offer to others. At least that is what I have convinced myself.
The truth is… I am still in a transition. I went from living in Nashville, TN where I was running a very successful wedding photography business, to living in rural Louisiana where I was struggling to find new clients. I cried myself to sleep almost every single night after I first moved here because I felt like I was living in The Twilight Zone. It took nearly a year before I found friends, a church, and God’s purpose for bringing me here. When Riley finally entered our lives, it all began to make sense. God wanted me to bring this little girl into our family, and He wanted me to focus more on being a mother than anything else.
I’ll be honest. This is hard for me. I have spent the last twelve years of my life creating a brand for myself as a photographer, and all of that means nothing now that I am no longer in Nashville. Walking away from that brand did not do miracles for my confidence. Everything I knew about life became obsolete. I believe I have always been a good mother, but motherhood was not my only focus.
I believe that society puts so much pressure on us to do more, be more, have more. Maybe this is why I have such a hard time with feeling like I have anything to offer to the world. I used to be able to talk about running a successful photography business while homeschooling my girls. And to be honest, I don’t even LOVE homeschooling. Homeschooling is HARD WORK, but sending my girls to a failing public school where the lessons they learn on the playground and in the halls speak louder than anything their teacher may teach them is out of the question.
I am still finding myself while I navigate motherhood as my one and only priority. There are some days when I feel like a fraud because I miss having a platform and an audience that showed up. But then there are days when I look at my girls and an overwhelming feeling of aww and appreciation swarms over me, and I realize that I am right where God wants me. Some days I am very aware of how society views a stay-at-home mom, and then other days I am aware of how truly blessed I am to be called into that ministry.
When did motherhood become not enough? When did society begin dictating what motherhood should look like? It seems as if those of us who choose to stay at home with our children full time are “less than” those mothers who are also holding down five or six figure incomes and a career at the same time. It really should not be that way, because some of us view motherhood as a ministry that God calls us to, and we want to give it our all.
This season of my life has me walking away from many things that I thought were important to me before, and focusing on being a full time mother who raises her children to walk with Christ. When I think about all the doors that God closed in order to get me to focus on this, there are some days that I feel like a failure, but then there are days when I realize how mysteriously God truly operates and how honored I am that He called me to this. Oh what plans He must have for my girls! I can’t wait to see that day when their purpose is revealed to them, and how God used me to help prepare them. There is a reason why He took me away from everything I ever knew, and brought me to this place where my focus is solely on them.