What a year this has been! I have been through the ringer with some ridiculous health issues for the past twelve months. Finding answers has been very difficult, and I’m not even sure at this point whether or not we actually have all the correct answers. It seems like every time we think we have things figured out, something changes. One thing I know for certain is that this journey can be long and lonely.
A year of bouncing back and forth between doctors and pursuing multiple possibilities only to discover later that a new symptom points to something different has become exhausting. I have tried to keep everyone informed with my journey, but if I’m being honest I’m not sure how I even feel about sharing it anymore. My friends and family have become silent, and the silence can be deafening. At times I feel completely alone, and this is partly why I have tried to share so much with people. I do not want to feel alone in this, but how long can I honestly expect people to stay on this train with me?
I pretend that I am okay most of the time, even when I’m not. I feel like I’m losing my mind at times because I am just not getting the answers that I need to actually begin feeling better. Even my last update about my undiagnosed auto-immune disease and my adult-onset food allergies that I wrote here on the blog has changed. Being sick all the time is no fun, and I feel like I am always complaining. Maybe this has begun to repel the people in my life who I depend on. At times I even feel like my family is tired of trying to be supportive. And to be honest… I can’t blame any of them. I get tired of hearing myself complain too, and I’m definitely tired of never feeling well.
I am not giving up! I never truly knew what it meant to advocate for my own health until this year. I have had to dig deep for my own answers and find doctors who were willing to actually listen and help. I now finally have a team of doctors who are working together for answers. I can’t really blame them for not having all the answers. We are all pretty sure that everything I am dealing with was triggered by the Covid virus, and there is just way too much unknown about the long term effects of this virus.
What we do know at this point is that I am diabetic, and I have some adult-onset food allergies that require me to carry an EpiPen. This alone has caused me quite a bit of anxiety, and I am trying my hardest to lean into God. This journey can be long and lonely, but I’m trying to mean it when I say “I’m doing well.” I know that God is in this journey with me. Sometimes we just have to walk alone with God and understand that He is enough. He is most definitely enough, but I would be lying if I told you that I haven’t cried quite a bit this past week.